Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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