I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
