i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize