dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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