omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
