my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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