call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
