well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
only you would photoshop your dick
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
