I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
There is a new fb quiz: "are you at ypical woman, future ex or from crazy town" - should i take it?
Aren't all three of those the same though?
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
