I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
