it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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