Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
