R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
