i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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