i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
