I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
