So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
