Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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