oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
We just shotgunned beers for America
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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