I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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