i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
