I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
