What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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