I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
