That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
