we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
