So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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