ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
