saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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