if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
