I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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