Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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