FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
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