I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
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