ya dads aren't the best wingmen
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
