So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
