I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
