i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
