Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
