I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
