so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
