I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Randomize
