Yo dont text me then not text me
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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