cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
