I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
