clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Holy shit dude........stairs
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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