WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
