I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
