I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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