The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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