Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
